Last week I had a bit of a stomach virus that really wiped me. I was not feeling well at all and for some reason, I was wiped emotionally too. Trinity complained of a bellyache the same day so I thought she may have the same illness. She ate and played quite contentedly with Evie, so she wasn’t really sick. Later in the morning I went into the girls’ room to check on them and the door was shut tight and they gave me a look that said “why are you interrupting?” They were deep in imaginative play and I had disturbed their reverie. I felt badly about this, but I needed to get Trinity ready for school. My afternoon would be less work with one less child and I desperately needed the break.
“But I just want to play with Evie, Mum,” was Trinity’s plight.
The daily grind has been emotionally excruciating for me as of late. I spend days upon days not leaving the house, with no outside contact. I wait for 5:30 like a pre-millenialist waits for the second coming; with both fear and elation. I make desperate attempts at 4:30 to clean up the entire day’s mess and meals whilst trying to supervise homework and deal with the witching hour’s bickering. When he walks in that door it is both my judgment and salvation. Great foreplay, no?
Unable to pinpoint my malaise, I’ve been aimless, unmotivated. I can’t blame the weather – September has been gorgeous here in the ‘Burgh. Granted, I try to reduce my driving as much as possible with a 17 mpg bus, but is it worth my disposition to save a few bucks? I haven’t been to the gym in 2 weeks because either I or someone else has been sick.
Never one to deny a “mental health day”, the girls, I decided, needed time together. Evie had not complained once in three weeks about Trin going to school, and Trin had not once complained that she didn’t want to go. These two little ones often fight and love really hard being only 15 months apart. But it was Evie that convinced me that they needed each other. When I looked at Trinity with a “but you have school today” look, Evie objected on her own behalf. In her little, eloquent and oh-so-beyond-her-years vernacular, she said what was crying on my heart: “Mom? (pause) I just don’t want to be alone.” I know Evie, nobody does.
2 comments:
i feel so guilty for feeling overwhelmed with 3 under 3 when you have 6! what a comfort to read this knowing that someone else can understand how wonderful it is to be a stay at home mom and how absoulutely isolating it can be at times. ou sound like you are really intune with your girls and even though it might mean sacrificingyour sanity, it definitely is a mom's pleasure to see that her children are 'not alone'. Hope your days get easier as I hope mine do! Thanks for tipping me off to this blog - it really did help my spiraling misery today
hey maria....just starting to read your blog. thank you for sharing it with me and for the email chats we have had recently. i so appreciate your vulnerability. i only wish we could hang out ... make each other laugh ... let our kids play together so that we could at least know our messy homes were due to us having fun and not being so alone.
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