DirtyLaundry Cont.

Although there is much more to say on this topic, I am growing weary. It's difficult to write about depression when one is in the midst of an 'episode'. I don't feel well and therefore the last thing I want to do is enlighten people on my theories of the root of depression. In an earlier post, I wrote that the last way I would describe the act of suicide is 'selfish'. I still agree with this although I am realizing how egocentric I become when depressed. My thoughts are consumed with how much pain I am in and how everything around me sabotages my mental state. Nothing goes my way and there is no positive outcome to any situation. I cannot be broken from the cycle of swirling despair because I need to feel it. As miserable as I am, I will not give in to the Pollyanna that lies within. She is to be denied access to this dark world.

I cannot let go of the anger, pain, sadness. If I do,I may be hurt on an even deeper level. A place where optimism and naivety reign. That, I feel, is a place I would not heal from. So, I wear my depression as a suit of armor. It is heavy and awkward. But like an Elvin cloak, it hides me from unfriendly eyes.