Holistic Motherhood

Recently at my local library’s story time, I spoke with a woman who was literally days away from her due date. She had brought her 2 year old son and her mother to the weekly meeting, despite her obvious fetal girth. By the posture and flexibility of this mom-to-be, you could tell that she was uninhibited by the gestation. I overheard her saying she was using a midwife for the delivery and instantly I knew we were comrades in childbirth.

I approached her and confessed what I had overheard. “Did you say that you are using a midwife?” I inquired with the bated breath of a ‘here comes a birth story’ pause.

She replied with a simple nod and an arched eyebrow that was the universal mommyspeak for ‘go ahead, I’m listening.’

That was all I needed and the spiquot of my mouth was running freely.

We shared briefly our experiences with natural birth and I assured her that it was 90% mental and she added “and a bit of luck.” There is an instant maternal understanding and bond between women who have opted for natural childbirth. We “get” each other and more often than not, we are in cohesion with our parenting techniques and general care of our little ones. I’ve yet to meet a mom who forgoes the epidural that does not breastfeed. And most women who choose homebirth also co-sleep or practice some degree of attachment parenting. We are a sub culture of naturalists. We are tuned in to the rhythm of new life and do our best to respect the ebb and flow of nature’s tide.

There are some naysayers of course. A mom or two within earshot of our conversation shook their heads in disbelief and offered the “give me drugs!” slogan. As with any cultural shift from the norm, there is always someone willing to criticize your choices as being “crazy” or ironically termed “unnatural”. But I am beginning to witness a shift in the view of mainstream media and western culture. It’s a small shift, but it’s there.

The issue of breastfeeding has made such headway in the last 10-15 years that it is now considered the obvious choice for a new mother. The “expected” choice. As soon as one mentions co-sleeping or baby wearing though, you are in unchartered land, so to speak. Go a step further and mention that you don’t plan on vaccinating, and you open yourself up to a cacophony of criticism.

I am surprised though, at the subtle changes I see. Last week, my husband came home with a mainstream brand of iced tea from the local wholesale club and its label boasted of “No artificial colors or flavors added”. Sure enough, the list of ingredients was all natural and it still pleased my children. This was surprising to me, however, in some way I thought 'it’s about time someone start listening to us!' The 'us' being the moms who are sick and tired of our children being bombarded with high fructose corn syrup and Red #40. Not all of us have a Whole Foods within a 5 mile radius or a decent organic section in our local grocery. And even those of us who do are strapped to pick which produce we can afford this week with skyrocketing prices. We are no longer a silent minority. We need to speak as consumers who will no longer be force fed (pun intended) this barrage of garbage. Talk to your local school system about the lunch program. Make sure that heinously dyed drinks are not served at school, church gatherings and sport outings. There are alternatives and we must demand them. It starts with a small step. It starts with one conversation. We cannot continue to complain about childhood obesity, ADHD, the autism spectrum disorders and the alarming increase in Type 2 diabetes and not take action. Complain when something is being served that you feel is inappropriate for your child to consume. Mothers are the ones who always get things done anyway. If it has made a difference in your house, take the message beyond your four walls. Make your mark. The tides are turning and we need to be ready to ride the wave and witness well to the more wholesome choices we’ve made.

I have found it very helpful when advocating such a lifestyle to be able to pull valid statistics from my mothering hat: the current rate of diagnosis for ADHD, the growing number of children with Type 2 diabetes and so on. Whatever you are defending, be sure you have the facts to back it up. Keep in mind that your validity is only as strong as your child is well behaved. Start talking about too much processed food with your three year old running around and screaming like a banshee and out your opinion goes like yesterday’s compost.

What I’m trying to convey is that so many people who adopt a gentler lifestyle, tend to neglect boundaries and discipline. We all have a friend who lets her child do what he pleases so as to not upset his “emotional freedom”. You know the one I’m talking about. He has never had refined sugar (Heaven forbid!) but calls his mother “stupid” and demands her undivided attention at his whim. It’s that kid who makes us all look bad. This is not responsible parenting. We do not need to strike or abuse our children to be firm. If you are willing to say “no” to the sugar laced colorful cereals, then by all means, take it a step further. We cannot be a voice for natural parenting with a bunch of future sociopaths underfoot.

Yes, I exaggerate the situation, but not to undermine my own observations, there is a trend within those who practice attachment parenting to be overzealous about allowing their children to do as they please. I find these particular children to be demanding, self centered and lack empathy. As in nature, there is always a balance. One cannot lean toward one side completely, without tipping over.

In order to be a stronger voice for the lifestyle and empowerment that is full motherhood, you must be a strong witness to the success of your choices. If you are struggling with behavioral issues and you can rule out any dietary factors you need to look within at your parenting technique. Are you too lenient or are you too obsessive about poor diet choices? Children do need some autonomy and for sure they need boundaries for security. Part of mothering fully means being able to respect your intuition enough to know when you are making a decision for your own comfort despite the consequence to your child. For example, is it easier to let junior just dump out the entire laundry basket because that is what he wants to play with rather than to show him how we put clothes away first and then use the basket for fun? Or, if we are visiting a friend, to allow our four year old daughter to boss around all the preschoolers present because we don’t want to have to discipline in front of another person? There are ways to teach and direct without bruising the child’s ego or embarrassing ourselves.

Where is this fear (and that’s what it boils down to) of our children stemming from? Why are so many parents afraid to limit their childrens' behavior? Many people that I am acquainted with who lean toward what I coin 'holistic parenting' come from a home where their voice was not heard. They were told when to speak, when to listen and when to simply disappear. Many have come from borderline abusive homes where children were treated a step above cattle. These parents are adamant about breaking the generational chain of authoritarianism. I agree with them that there needs to be a change, but lean too far in the opposite direction and you’ll plant the family tree in the soil of discontent. There are others who had no boundaries whatsoever as children and they continue the lineage of permissiveness. Either side is bound to have difficulty arguing their case for natural parenting. Finding the middle ground, moderation, safe boundaries and autonomy are keys to unlocking your child’s full potential. Balancing these is an art form - it is your calling. Find your mother voice and use it as a tool to raise healthy, self reliant compassionate adults. To my comrades I say: Let us be a beacon of wisdom and not a sitting duck for critique!